The Princess Bride
by Jedi Rita
Summary: When Leia gets chicken pox, Bail Organa tells her a fairy tale to distract her.


_The Royal Sickroom had everything a sick child could want: holovids, games, books, and round-the-clock nursemaids to wait upon you and play games with you.  Really, though, it was not particular special, as the rest of the Palace was like that for the Royal Princess.  Maybe that was why little Leia, eight-year-old victim of chicken pox, was so bored.  _

_Now, bored chicken pox sufferers tend to scratch.  The nursemaids employed every means they could think of to stop the little princess from scratching so she would not ruin her regal complexion, but the medications they tried wore off too quickly.  "She needs distraction," prescribed the Head Nursemaid.  So they told her stories, they acted out plays, they put on puppet shows, they brought in monkeys and rabbits and other cute little animals, but to no avail.  Leia remained bored, and she continued to scratch unstoppably._

_The only time she ever stopped scratching was when her father came to visit her.  Leia adored her father, and she liked to hear him tell her about the day's political intrigue.  So the Head Nursemaid explained the situation to the King and begged him to help save the little Princess's complexion.  Now, being a King is a full-time business, and Bail Organa did not have much time to spare.  But the King loved his daughter, and while he did not so much care about saving her complexion, he did care about saving her from the agonizing itching.  (He had had chicken pox himself once, when he was about her age.  He knew it was not very fun.) So he applied himself to figuring out a way to help his little girl._

_One day, the King called off all his royal meetings and went to the Royal Sickroom.  "Papa!" the invalid exclaimed gleefully, momentarily halting her intensive scratching of her left elbow.  "What are you doing here?  Don't you have a Senate to attend or something?"_

_"Not today, my dear," he informed her.  "I've canceled everything so I can spend the day with you."_

_"Hooray!  So what are we going to do today?" she asked, sneaking a scratch behind her right ear._

_"I'm going to tell you a story."_

_The Princess brightened.  She loved her father's stories.  "Is there a Princess in it?" she asked, excitement lighting her face._

_"Yes, of course," assured the King._

_"And adventures?  And daring rescues?"_

_"What kind of story doesn't have adventures and rescues?"_

_"Does it have a handsome hero?  And a nasty bad guy?"_

_"It has several of each, in fact."_

_Leia beamed in anticipation.  It sounded like a great story, all right.  But did it have the crowning touch, the final element that was absolutely essential to all truly great stories?  "Does it have politics in it?" she inquired in a whisper._

_The King smiled warmly at her.  "Would I tell you a story that did not have politics?"_

_"Oh, goody!" Leia cheered._

_"Now, you lie back and relax," her father instructed her.  "Stop scratching, and I'll tell you the story of ..._

THE PRINCESS BRIDE

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there lived a beautiful princess.  She wasn't actually princess of much.  She lived with her parents on a small farm in the corner of a great Empire.  But since her family refused to recognize the authority of the Emperor, they declared themselves autonomous and refused to pay their taxes.  So they called their daughter a princess.  Her name was Leiacup.

~~~

_"Oh, is it me, Papa?" Leia asked in excitement._

_"Hush, child, and listen to the story," the King gently rebuked her._

~~~

As I said, Princess Leiacup's princessdom did not consist of much, just a few cows and chicken and horses, and of course the farm boy.  No one knew where the farm boy had come from, or who his parents were.  All Leiacup knew was that he had been living and working on the farm for as long as she could remember.  She loved to boss him around.  She was only dimly aware that he would do anything for her, but Leiacup never gave him much thought.  Leiacup had many suitors, but she never gave them much thought either.  She had decided that she would never love anyone.  The reason was that she had once been in love with a handsome mercenary who had come through town.  He always made fun of her claims to royalty, calling her, "Highnessness," and other such names, but she believed he had loved her, too.  But after he had left town to work on a boat that sailed the Hoth Sea, she learned that his ship had crashed into an iceberg, and he had been frozen into a block of ice.  With her hopes of true love dashed, she vowed she would never love again.

~~~

_"But where's the politics, Papa?" inquired Leia, a little disappointed._

_Somewhat irritated with her impatience, Bail said, "It's coming, hold on."_

~~~

The Empire was located on the edge of the Patooine Sea, and across the sea there was a group of rebels fighting against the unjust rule of the Empire.  They called themselves "the Guild."  Secretly, Leiacup and her family were in league with the Guilderian rebels, and would supply whatever information they could to the rebels, via the farm boy.

~~~

_"That's much better," Leia pronounced._

_"I'm glad you like it.  Now shut up and let me tell the story."_

~~~

Now the Emperor was very old, and soon he would die.  He had only one son, Prince Palpadink, but the Prince was not married.  So scouts were sent far and wide to find a princess who would be suitable for the prince to marry.  Eventually word came back of a beautiful princess who lived on the only piece of land in the Empire that never paid taxes.  It would be a perfect match.

So Prince Palpadink rode out on his magnificent steed to the farm to check the situation out for himself.  As soon as he saw Leiacup (and the beautiful farmland), he knew that a marriage must take place.  Standing in the stirrups, he announced in a booming voice, "I am your Prince, and someday I will be Emperor.  But an Emperor needs a wife.  What do you say we get hitched?"

With a look of disgust, Leiacup said, "Who would want to marry you?"

Undeterred (for the Prince was not very good-looking, and he knew it), he said, "But you would be Empress."

"But I could never love you.  I will never love anyone."

"So who said anything about love?  This is a political marriage.  You know what those are like," Prince Palpadink explained.

At the mention of the word "political," a crafty gleam crept into Leiacup's eyes.  "Let me think about it for a minute."

"But Princess," her parents whispered anxiously, "how can you even think of marrying him?"

"Aren't we always saying that the Guilderian rebels need a contact inside the Imperial Palace?  And what better inside contact can there be than the Empress?"

"But could you marry a man you could never love?" her parents asked.

Leiacup's eyes grew sad for a moment.  "I will never love anyone anyway."

"All right, then," her parents relented.  "If you're sure."

They turned back to the Prince.  "All right, I'll marry you," Leiacup told him.

The Prince beamed.  "Then let's get started.  It takes so long to plan an Imperial Wedding, you know."  He sent his servants into the house to pack her things.

But hidden behind the cowshed, the farm boy wept with a broken heart, and when Leiacup left the farm, the farm boy disappeared as well, and was never seen again.

*****

Imperial Weddings did indeed take a long time to plan, and what with one thing and another, several years passed.  At last the time for the wedding was drawing near.  Both the Guilderian rebels and her parents wanted Leiacup to break off the engagement somehow, but she refused.  She was determined to help the Guild whatever the cost.  Besides, she knew that if she broke off the engagement now, Prince Palpadink would probably have to execute her.

To help preserve her sanity, Leiacup liked to go for long rides on her horse, Ton-ton.  One day she was out for her daily ride when she came across three strangers standing in the middle of the path.  One of them, a fat, slobby man, stepped forward and said, "We are three businessmen, my lady.  Can you tell us if there is a cantina nearby?"

"No, there's nothing nearby, not for miles," she answered.

The fat man's face turned ugly.  "Then there will be no one to hear you scream."  One of his henchmen, a huge, hairy fellow, approached her, and reaching out to her, rendered her unconscious with a Vulcan nerve pinch.

*****

When she awoke it was night, and she was on a boat crossing the Patooine Sea.

"Hurry up," the fat man was yelling.  "Can't you go any faster?"

"I'm going as fast as I can, Jabbini," said a voice from the stern of the ship.  The voice had the accent of a native from the Spanish province of Corel.  "We could have gone a lot faster if you let me use my ship, instead of this stupid X-sail boat."

"You're the stupid, Juan!" Jabbini yelled.  "We were told to make it look like the Guilderian rebels kidnapped her, and the Guild always uses X-sails.  Anyway, I thought you were a great pilot."

"I am."

"Then prove it!"

_Kidnapped_, Leiacup thought in panic.  And the Guild would be framed for it.  She had to escape.  Summoning all her strength, Leiacup leaped up and over the edge of the boat and started to swim away.

Instantly her captors sprung to action.  "Turn this damned thing around!" she heard Jabbini yelling.  "Grab her, Fezzwook!" he ordered the hairy man.

"Rrowergh," Fezzwook replied.  (That is, "She's too far away."  Fezzwook had a stutter.)

"Princess, do you think you can escape us?" shouted Jabbini, but there was no reply as Leiacup continued to swim away as fast as she could.  "Even if you could, you know, you'd never escape the Dia Noga."

Leiacup froze.  The Dia Noga was a fierce seamonster that loved human flesh.  Suddenly she thought she heard a menacing bubbling sound.  Or had she imagined it?

"No, you didn't imagine it," Jabbini called in answer to her thoughts.  "It's the Dia Noga.  If you swim back to us now, I promise no harm will come to you.  I doubt you'll get such an offer from the Dia Noga."

Frightened as she was, Leiacup wasn't about to fall for that one.  She would just have to outswim the monster, if it even existed, and wasn't just a legend to scare kids.

But the bubbling sound grew louder, and suddenly a huge eye on the end of a tentacle rose periscope-like before her out of the water, and she felt a slimy tentacle curl around her ankle, dragging her down into the water --

~~~

_"You know, the Dia Noga doesn't get her," Bail told her._

_Leia blinked, her hands clutching the blanket tightly.  "What?"_

_"I'm only telling you because you look a little... involved.  But it doesn't get her."_

_Leia managed to glare at her father through anxious eyes.  "I knew it wouldn't," she asserted unconvincingly._

_"Oh, you do, eh?  So maybe you'd like to tell the story?"_

_"No, no," Leia hastened.  "I'd rather you tell it."_

_All right, then," said Bail._

~~~

BAM!!!  A huge, hairy fist came crashing down on the Dia Noga's eye, and as the tentacle released her leg, Leiacup felt herself being lifted out of the water and placed in the bottom of the boat.

"Great going, Princess," Jabbini said sarcastically.  "All you accomplished is getting yourself wet."

Shivering, Leiacup nevertheless fought back.  "Perhaps I bought some time so the Prince can catch up with us."

"You didn't buy that much time.  We're still way ahead of the game.  No one could possibly be following us yet."

"Are you sure?" asked the Corellian from the back of the boat.

"Of course I'm sure," Jabbini shot back.

"You're positive?" Juan asked again.

"Absolutely!" Jabbini shrieked.

"Then I guess that boat I see back there following us is just a hallucination."

"What?"  Jabbini and Fezzwook jumped up and ran to the stern.  Sure enough, out on the waters they could just spot a lone boat trailing behind him.  Squinting into the darkness, Jabbini pronounced, "It must be just a coincidence.  Maybe he was part of a convoy and got lost.  He can't be following us.  Anyway, he's no concern of ours.  In these waters he's just so much Dia Noga poodoo.  Sail on!"

They sailed on.  After a while, Juan observed, "He seems to be gaining on us."  The boat was close enough for them to make out the sole occupant, a man dressed entirely in black.

Jabbini shrugged this announcement off irritably.  "What do we care?  Keep sailing."

More time passed.  Then Juan remarked, "He's almost on us!  I have a bad feeling about this."

"It doesn't matter!" Jabbini screeched triumphantly.  "We're there.  See?"  He pointed in front of them.  "The Cliffs of Patooie!"

The Cliffs of Patooie were impossible to scale.  Leiacup wondered how Jabbini was planning to get up the cliffs, unless he knew of some secret passageway.  But as they drew closer, she could see a rope dangling at the bottom that presumably led all the way to the top.

Once the ship had landed, her kidnappers leapt to the ground, Fezzwook lifting her onto dry land.  They ran up to the rope, where Jabbini proceeded to tie them all to Fezzwook, and then Fezzwook began to climb.

"Ha ha," Jabbini was congratulating himself.  "Even if the man in black is following us, he'll never be able to climb the rope.  Only Fezzwook has the strength."

From his position tied to Fezzwook's back, Juan asked, "Are you sure?"

"Of course, I'm sure," Jabbini scowled.  All the same, he looked down.

The man in black was following them, but he didn't seem to be touching the rope.  It was almost like he was,,, _flying_.  "I have a bad feeling about this," Juan muttered.

"Oh, shut up," Jabbini fumed.  To Fezzwook, "Climb faster."

Fezzwook did climb faster.  Nevertheless, the man in black was cutting into their lead.

At last they reach the top.  As they disentangled themselves from Fezzwook, Jabbini screamed, "Cut the rope!  Cut the rope!"  He ran to do just that himself, and soon the rope was cut, snaking down over the edge of the cliff.  They all ran to the edge to see if the man in black had fallen.

Not only had he not fallen, he continued to rise.

"Boska!" Jabbini cursed.  Pointing to Juan, he ordered, "You finish him off.  We'll go on ahead and meet you at the rendezvous."  And grabbing Leiacup, they were off.

Leaving Juan staring over the edge of the cliff as the man in black continued to defy gravity.  Now, Juan had been around.  He'd been from one end of the Great Sea to the other, and he'd never seen anything to make him believe a person could fly.  But he was seeing it with his own eyes, and he was amazed.  Juan usually fulfilled Jabbini's orders to kill people without joy.  You see, he was a blaster master, and it was never any challenge.  Now here was a worthy opponent.  Juan had only met one other person who might have been capable of flying up a sheer cliff, and he began to wonder if this might be that same man.

At last the man in black reached the top.  He was dripping with sweat, and he looked a little peaked beneath the mask that covered his face, but as soon as he was on the ground, he reached for a strange metal cylinder that hung at his side.

"No, no," Juan refused, indicating for him to put his weapon away.  "We'll wait until you're rested."

The man in black looked skeptically at him.  "Yeah, right.  And then you'll pull your blaster on me, I suppose?"

"No, I promise I won't.  You rest first, and then I'll kill you."

That statement failed to convince the man in black.  "No, thanks," he refused.  "Why don't we just get it over with right now?"

Juan hesitated, trying to think of something that would convince the man.  At last he said, "I swear on the soul of my father, Rodrigo Solo, that I will not attack you until you are rested."  He said it with every ounce of sincerity in his body, and since Juan Solo was rarely sincere, that meant he had quite a lot of it stored up.

The man in black gazed steadily at him for several moments, and finally heaving a sigh, he put his weapon away.  He staggered over to a nearby boulder and sat down, as Juan watched him.

Solo was doing a mental inventory.  Wears black: check.  Breathes hard: check, although that could just be from his exertion.  This man wore a mask instead of a helmet, and Juan remembered the other guy as being bigger, but still he might be....

"Pardon me," Juan said, "but are you by any chance a Count?"

The man in black looked over at him.  "No, I'm afraid I'm not."

So he wasn't the man after all.  "Oh, well," Juan mumbled, "I was just wondering."

"Why?  Are you looking for a Count?"

"Yes.  You see, many years ago a big Count who wore black, had a helmet and wheezed all the time, killed my entire clan.  My father was the fastest quick draw in all the world, but the Count murdered him in cold blood.  I challenged the Count to a showdown.  Naturally he won; I was only ten.  But he gave me this scar," he pointed to a prominent gash on his chin, "to remember him by.  For twenty years I have been training with the blaster, looking for him.  When I find him, I will go up to him and say, 'Hello.  My name is Juan Solo.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die.'"

"And you haven't found him?" asked the man in black.

Solo shook his head.  "Not yet.  So for the past several years, Fezzwook and I have been taking odd jobs to keep ourselves occupied.  There's a big demand for blaster masters."

Eyeing him closely, the man in black asked, "Are you that good, then?"

Juan gave him a lazy smile.  "Nobody's faster.  You see that fly sitting on that rock over there?" he asked, indicating a boulder to his left.

Narrowing his eyes, the man in black nodded Yes.

Still grinning, Juan raised his right hand to his face, blowing on his fingertips, and then....

Faster than the eye could see, his hand flashed down, brought the blaster up, aimed, fired, and reholstered the gun.  There was a crack, and nothing remained on the boulder but a black smear and a few bug parts.

The man in black gave a low whistle.  "Impressive," he complimented.

Juan made a smart bow.  "I know."

Pushing himself up off the rock, the man in black said, "Thank you for letting me catch my breath, but I think I'm ready to meet my destiny now."

"All right then, it was nice meeting you."

"It was nice meeting you as well."

They faced off.  For a long time they just stood there.  Juan had a slight smile on his lips.  A drop of sweat trickled down from under the man in black's mask and ran down his left cheek.  Then...

Faster than the eye could see, Juan drew his blaster and fired.  The bolt raced across the distance between them -- and was deflected by a lightsaber.  It was unbelievable that the man in black could have ignited it in time.  But Juan scarcely had time to marvel before he felt a tug on his hand.  His blaster was ripped from his grip and went flying into the waiting hand of the man in black.  With a flick of his wrist, the gun was pointed back at Juan.  He had been beaten.

"May you live to find your Count, Juan Solo," the man in black said, just before he shot him.  Solo crumpled to the ground... and began to snore.  The man in black had changed the setting to stun.

Dropping the blaster next to the Corellian, the man in black raced off in pursuit of the others.  He hadn't gone too far, when the air was split with a deafening howl.  

Perched high on an overhanging ledge above him stood Fezzwook, with an immense boulder in his giant hands.  "Rraurrurghahrr!" roared Fezzwook (which means, "Don't move or I'll drop this boulder on you").

The man in black gulped hard and said, "Won't you drop it on me anyway?"

"Urghrrhr."  ("Not necessarily, I hate unfair fights.")

"Well, that's awfully sporting of you," the man in black readily conceded.  "What do you propose, then, since I presume you are also supposed to kill me?"

With a great leap, Fezzwook was on the ground.  "Grrhrrghr?"  ("How about a game of chess?")

The man in black looked skeptical.  "Chess?" he repeated.

"Urp," said Fezzwook.  ("And the loser gets his arms pulled out of his sockets.")

The man in black considered the offer.  "Well, I'm really more of a backgammon man, myself, but I don't suppose I have much of a choice, do I?"

They quickly fashioned a board and playing pieces out of some rocks and pebbles, and soon they sat down to play.  Fezzwook graciously allowed the man in black the first move.  The man in black hesitantly moved one of his pawns.  Fezzwook swiftly matched the move... and in fifteen moves, the game was over.  The man in black had won.

Fezzwook stared in disbelief at the board.  "Rrughrrugh?"  ("Best two out of three?")

"Of course," the man in black relented.

Fezzwook concentrated, the man in black strained, and the next game was over in eleven moves, with Fezzwook the victor.  He let out a roar of triumph.

"This is it then, eh?" the man in black said.  He looked a little nervous, but then he did not have much of a choice.

Again they set up the board.  They leaned over it, hushed, sweating, anxious.  This time the game was over in nine moves.

Fezzwook rose to his feet and let out an ear-splitting howl.  "Urrghrrughrrahrughrhraghurrhruaghrraugh!"  ("Damn!")

He had lost.  He, Fezzwook, the World Champion of Chess, had lost to a guy in a mask.  He couldn't bear the defeat.  Death was preferable to his shame.

"Sorry about that," the man in black said.  Frankly, Fezzwook didn't believe him, but he didn't care either.  The man in black reached toward his neck with both hands -- and administered to him a hearty Vulcan nerve pinch.  Fezzwook crashed to the ground, unconscious, and the man in black raced off, again in hot pursuit.

Not long after that, the man in black came upon Jabbini.  The villain had been waiting for him, and he held Leiacup, bound hand and foot, a knife at her throat.  "Greetings," he called in sinister welcome.  "You're awfully persistent, aren't you?"

"Let's just say I let nothing stand in my way," the man in black conceded.

"I know what you're after," Jabbini told him.  "You want to steal what I have rightfully kidnapped."

"This is your last chance," the man in black menaced.  "Free her or die."

But Jabbini was undeterred.  "You have indeed bested my men, and you could kill me, therefore I cannot escape you.  But I," and he dug the knife into Leiacup's throat, "have what you want, and therefore you cannot flee, either."

"We are at an impasse, then."

"It would seem so, for I am no match for your strength, and you are no match for my brains."

"Is that so?" the man in black asked.  He studied Jabbini for several moments.  "In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits."

Intrigued, Jabbini asked, "To the death?"

"Of course."

"You are my kind of scum: fearless and inventive.  Very well, I accept."

The man in black relaxed ever so slightly before proposing, "I will ask you three riddles.  If you answer them correctly, then you may take the princess and go free.  If, however, you fail to give the right answer to any one of them, then I may take her and be on my way."

Jabbini smirked.  He was clearly dealing with an amateur.  What made the man in black think that he, Jabbini, would honor the agreement if he were to lose?  But it really didn't matter, because Jabbini could not be beaten when it came to riddles.  "You may begin," he agreed.

The man in black paused for effect, then asked, "Why do mynocks fly south for the winter?"

Jabbini hesitated only for a moment before answering haughtily, "That's a trick question; mynocks fly south for the winter because they have no feet."  He chortled, his fat jowls rippling.  "Give me a hard one."

The man in black appeared surprised at how fast Jabbini had answered.  He cleared his throat nervously, then queried, "How many roads must a man walk down, before they call him a man?"

Now it was Jabbini's turn to sweat.  Leiacup eyed him anxiously as her kidnapper strained and struggled.  The minutes passed by, and it appeared that Jabbini might not be able to answer.  Then he announced, "Forty-two." (see footnote 1)  He laughed more loudly this time.  "You know you cannot win."

The man in black's eyes grew wide with alarm, and he fidgeted nervously.  Truly Jabbini was clever to have figured that one out, and now the thought was occurring to the man in black that he might lose.  However, he had one riddle left.  He pushed his hands into his pockets, thinking carefully.  At last he stood up and, removing his hands from his pockets, slowly asked, "What have I got in my pocket?"

Jabbini scowled.  "That's not exactly a riddle."

"You agreed to the bargain."

Jabbini began to get nervous, but then he remembered that he had no intention of honoring the agreement anyway.  Still he decided to make an attempt.  "Spare change?" he guessed.

"Wrong," the man in black informed him.  "I have a thermal detonator!"  With that, he flung the device into Jabbini's face.  Caught off guard, the villain involuntarily released Leiacup and caught the detonator.  Both Leiacup and the man in black hit dirt, and the detonator blew up in Jabbini's face.  "Boring conversation anyway," the man in black smugly pronounced.

Amazed, Leiacup looked at the smoking, headless corpse beside her, but she scarcely had time to gawk before the man in black was standing over her, a glowing lightsaber in his hand.

"Are you going to kill me?" she asked carefully.

"No," he answered.  "Unless you give me a reason to."  He quickly cut her bonds and dragged her to her feet.

"Who are--" she started to ask, but he interrupted her.

"Come on, run," he instructed, as he dragged her off behind him.

~~~

_"Papa," Leia interrupted, "those were dumb riddles.  I told you that one about the mynocks myself, last week."_

_"Yes, you did.  Now aren't you clever?  Do you have anything else to add to the story?" her father asked impatiently._

_Leia considered.  "How also more nasty creatures?" she suggested._

_"We'll see.  But remember, I'm King, I don't have to do what you say."_

_"Sure, Papa."_

~~~

After they had run until Leiacup thought her lungs would burst, the man in black stopped to let her catch her breath.  He, on the hand, seemed scarcely winded.  "I -- I suppose you'll hold me for ransom?" Leiacup gasped out.

"The thought has crossed my mind," the man in black admitted.

"You know you'll never escape Prince Palpadink, so you might as well give up," she told him.

"Let me be the judge of that," he asserted.  Then she had no more time for questions, because he was whisked her off again, and away they raced along the edge of a perilous ravine.

The next time they stopped, she announced, "I don't see why you wear a mask; I know perfectly well who you are.  Your cruelty reveals everything.  Besides, the lightsaber is a dead giveaway.  You're the Jedi Pirate Seawalker."

He made a sarcastic bow, "In the flesh."

"I bet you think you're invincible.  Well, the Prince will catch you, you may be sure of that."

"So you keep reminding me.  You think so highly, then, of your precious love?"

"He is not my precious love, but I do know that he will find you."

"You don't love him?  Are you marrying him for power, then?  I suppose you'll be the same blood-thirsty tyrant he is."

"Most certainly not," Leiacup protested hotly.

The Jedi Pirate Seawalker laughed this off.  "Next you'll be telling me you're marrying him for the benefit of your beloved subjects."

"What can an evil pirate like you know about what is good for the people?  I suppose you give all the money you steal to the poor."

"As a matter fact, my lady," he said, his voice low with menace, "I give it to the Guilderian rebels.  Unlike you, I do not betray the people."

Leiacup stared at him in amazement.  "You expect me to believe that?  I'll have you know the whole reason I'm engaged to Prince Palpadink is so that I can supply inside information to the Guild.  What do you say to that?"

He stared at her.  She stared him.  It simultaneously dawned on them that maybe everything they had heard about each other was not entirely accurate.

Seawalker stammered, "You mean you --"

But Leiacup interrupted him to shout, "Look, the Prince is coming!"  Sure enough on the horizon, converging on them in all directions, were the Prince's men.  "What do we do now?" she cried.

But the pirate was at a loss.  "I hadn't expected him to follow us so quickly."

"I told you he would find you," Leiacup said sarcastically.  "What's the matter, when you came after me, didn't you have a plan for getting away?"  But he didn't answer, just looked around wildly.  Leiacup sighed.  "Well, somebody has to save our skins.  Into the ravine, sailor!"  And before he could say anything, she had pushed him over the edge.  Then she jumped herself.

Down they tumbled, all the way to the floor of the ravine, where they landed with a thud.  Leiacup gingerly shook her head and looked to see if Seawalker was all right, only to find that in the fall his mask had been torn off, and she found she was staring into the blue eyes of -- the farm boy.

"Farm Boy!" she exclaimed.  "But how is it possible?  _You _are the Jedi Pirate Seawalker?"

"I'm often amazed, myself, at life's little quirks.  But it's a long story, and I'm afraid I'll just have to tell you some other time.  You realize, of course, but there's no way out of this ravine, and that this ravine leads straight into the Trash Swamp."

"Well," Leiacup said, "it was either the Trash Swamp or Prince Palpadink."

"When you put it that way, I'll take the Trash Swamp!"  And off they went again.

All too soon they entered the Trash Swamp, an old landfill from previous generations that had gone out of control and acquired something of a life of its own.  "There are three main hazards we need to be on the look out for," the farm boy pointed out as they made their way through the muck, trying not to gag from the stench.  "One is burning tires, but those are easy enough to spot.  The second is lightning trash."

"How do we know what that looks like?" Leiacup asked.

The farm boy made a face.  "I've dealt with that before," he told her.  "Believe me, I'll recognize it."

"And what is the third hazard?" queried Leiacup.

"The third hazard is the R.O.U.S.s.  But we don't have to worry about them.  I don't think they really exist."

And then he screamed, because just then one of the nonexistent R.O.U.S.s dive-bombed him.  R.O.U.S.s are big, winged womprats, and they are quite vicious.  (R.O.U.S. stands for "Twin Ion Engine," or "The Imperial Empire," depending on whom you ask. (footnote 2))

"Here they come!"  shrieked Leiacup.  But the farm boy didn't bother to thank her for the warning, because he was too busy warding three of them off with his lightsaber.  This way and that way the lightsaber slashed, casting an eerie light in the darkness of the swamp.  Leiacup managed to keep them off her with the help of a hefty length of pipe she found in the garbage.  They fought for what seemed like an eternity, but which in reality was only a few minutes.  Then the few R.O.U.S.s that were not dead gave up the fight and flew off.  After checking to make sure that they were both all right, Leiacup and the farm boy headed off again into the swamp.

Hours later, the farm boy said, "Look, we're at the end."

Weary and wounded, they stumbled out of the forest -- and into the waiting arms of Prince Palpadink and his soldiers.

"Whatever took you so long?" the Prince drawled.  "Now, are you ready to surrender?"

"Surrender?" repeated Seawalker mockingly.  "Are you kidding?  Why on earth would we want to do that?  We can turn right around and go straight back into the Trash Swamp whenever we feel like it.  I notice you weren't too eager to enter yourself."

The Prince frowned.  "I just didn't want to get my horse dirty, that's all.  I could go in if I wanted."

"All right then, let's find out, shall we?"

In the trees around them, Leiacup could see Palpadink's men moving into place.  "Surrender!" the Prince was shouting.

"Never!" retorted Seawalker.

"If I go with you, will you promise not to hurt him?" Leiacup cried out.

"What was that?" both men asked in surprise.

"If I go with you, will you let him go back to his ship?" repeated Leiacup slowly, as if she were speaking to children.  She knew, of course, that Palpadink would do no such thing, but she thought it might buy the farm boy more time, and while he had always seemed pretty inept to her on the farm, scarcely capable of milking a cow, let alone rescuing anybody, he seemed fairly self-sufficient now.

Seawalker scowled, but the Prince appeared satisfied.  "Very well, my pet," he relented.  "If that is your wish."  He leaned over to Count Vader, next to him.  "As soon as I have taken the princess out of here, take him to the Death Tower."

"As you wish, my master," the Count returned.

Leiacup mounted behind Palpadink on his horse, and together they rode away.

Seawalker looked at the Count and noticed that he was tall, dressed in black, wore a helmet, and seemed to have asthma.  "Someone was looking for you," he informed him.

"Were they?" the Count wheezed.  "How interesting.  Take him," he ordered.

Instantly, the soldiers began firing on Seawalker, but at that same moment, his lightsaber was activated and flashing.  Within seconds, all the bolts had been deflected.  Their weapons began to overheat in their hands, and they had to throw them down, blowing frantically on their burned fingers.

"Now this is truly interesting," intoned the Count.  He ordered his men to leave.  "I'll take care of this man myself."  And he ignited his own lightsaber.

They were well-matched combatants.  Never had either man ever met another as skilled with a lightsaber as he.  For over an hour they fought, first one getting the upper hand, then the other, until at last the Count got a hand: Seawalker's to be precise.  With a flash of his blade, he sliced through the Jedi Pirate's wrist.  "I have you now!" he crowed in triumph.  But in one smooth motion, Seawalker scooped up his fallen saber in his remaining hand and dove off the cliff into the sea below.

The Count stared after him in vain, as he could not swim in his helmet.  "We will meet again, young Seawalker," he called off into the wind.  "It is your destiny."

The next day, Seawalker stumbled through the Thieves' Quarter.

~~~

_"But Papa," Lei interrupted.  "How could Seawalker swim with only one hand, and holding his lightsaber?"_

_Bail was caught off guard, so immersed was he in the story.  "Oh," he stammered.  "He was a very good swimmer."_

_"But how could he swim all the way across the sea, especially since he must have been really tired by then?  And what about the Dia Noga?  Why didn't it eat him?"_

_"Oh, for pity's sake, allow me a little poetic license, will you?  Anyway, why do you think his name was 'Seawalker'?  Maybe he walked across.  Now do you want to hear the rest of the story or not?"_

_"Of course I do, Papa."_

_"Then don't ask so many questions."_

~~~

The next day, Seawalker stumbled into the Thieves' Quarter.  He was exhausted, injured, and practically dead.  Still he pressed on, because he knew he didn't have much time.  When the Count informed the Prince of his failure, the Prince was bound to do something ghastly to Leiacup, and Seawalker had to rescue her.  But he couldn't do it alone; he needed help.  So he went to the Moss Eyes Cantina, the most wretched hive of scum and villany in the Thieves' Quarter.  There he would surely be able to find someone to help him.

Painfully, he dragged himself into the cantina, and there he spied the two men in the world that he most wanted to see.  He staggered up to the table hidden in a corner and collapsed into an empty chair.

"What do you want?" Juan Solo asked suspiciously.

"It's me, the man in black," Seawalker cajoled his memory.  "We met on the Cliffs of Patooie, remember?"

Fezzwook ruffed in remembrance.  "Oh, yeah," Juan said.  "I didn't recognize you without the mask."

"I need your help to rescue the Princess," Seawalker said.

"You mean after all the trouble you went to steal her from us, you lost her again?  And now you want us to help you steal her back?  I don't even know who hired us to steal her in the first place, so why should I steal her now for you?"

"It was the Prince himself who hired you to steal her, so he could frame the Guilderian rebels."

"So what's that to me?" Juan asked.  He raised his glass to his lips and took a gulp.

"It might interest you to know that she's being held by the man who killed your father," Seawalker told him.

Juan spit out his drink in surprise.  "Okay," he said without missing a beat.  "When do we start?"

"First I have to get patched up."  Seawalker raised the stump of his right arm, which he had kept hidden inside his shirt.  Juan whistled in amazement.

"Grrghrrugh," said Fezzwook.  ("No problem.  We'll just go ask Miracle Yoda.")

Half an hour later, the trio stood outside a small adobe hut.  Juan banged noisily on the door.

Inside the house, a gravelly voice called, "Go away.  Nothing have I to give to Goodwill."

"We're not from Goodwill," Juan called.  "We need a miracle."

"A miracle, you say?  So consult the Yellow Pages.  Retired am I."  

Juan banged again on the door.  "We've got money," he said.

The door swung open.  "In that case, let's talk," a small, greenish old fellow said.  "Come in... if you can."

Juan and Seawalker managed to squeeze into the little house, but Fezzwook had to be content with sticking his head into the door.

"Now look," said Miracle Yoda, "don't you know that the Prince has outlawed all Miracle Men?  This job I need, like a hole in the head."

"We'll make it worth your while," Juan told him.

Miracle Yoda scrutinized him .  "So sure are you?"

Juan threw a bag of coins on the table.  Miracle Yoda just sniffed disdainfully.  "What miracle do you need?"

Seawalker held up in his injured arm.  "I need my hand restored," he said.

"What for?"

"So I can rescue a Princess," Seawalker told them.

"And I can avenge my father's death," Juan added.

Miracle Yoda frowned.  "Revenge is the dark side."

"But it's for a very good cause," Juan said.  "Besides, you could get back at the Prince for outlawing you by wrecking his marriage plans."

Miracle Yoda thought about it for precisely less than half a second.  "Now that is a worthy cause.  A deal you have."

He got to work immediately.  Taking a small whisk broom, he tied it to Seawalker's wrist.  "Some miracle this is," Seawalker muttered.

"Your mouth will you shut.  My own counsel will I keep on what is to be done."  Then he busied himself further, giving Seawalker a potion to drink, and throwing powdered sulfur around.  Hunched over Seawalker's arm, he chanted the magic words, "Klaatu barada niktu."

Seawalker felt a tingling sensation in his arm, and as they watched, the whisk broom started to melt and turned into a hand.  Within minutes the miracle was finished.  Seawalker held up his new hand, flexing it experimentally.  "That's amazing," he said.

"Good it is also for dusting," Miracle Yoda said, pleased.  Then pocketing the money bag, he urged his guests out of the house, saying, "Now go.  Some ass you must kick."

*****

Meanwhile back at the castle, the Count had told the Prince about his duel and how Seawalker had escaped.  "He's a Jedi Pirate, my master," the Count told him in conclusion.  "You know what that means."

"Damn," Palpadink swore.  "It means the game is up for us, and the Princess is on his side.  Well, I guess we'll just have to kill her before the wedding instead of after.  Take her to the Death Tower, and I'll join you as soon as I can."

As the Count rushed off to do the Prince's bidding, a commotion was taking place outside the gate.  Fezzwook, wearing his fiercest expression, was bearing down on the castle guards, yelling in his loudest growl, "Rraghrruarrghurraaagh!"  ("I am the Jedi Pirate Seawalker!  Surrender, surrender, or I'll become angry and use my magic!")

Behind them, Juan whispered to Seawalker, "I keep telling you, he doesn't have any magic."  But Seawalker didn't say anything.

Before the fearsome sight of Fezzwook, the castle guards were beginning to panic, but they still managed to hold their ground.  Then Fezzwook let out a ferocious bellow and slowly began to rise in the air.  Now the guards lost all control, scrambling around in utter terror as Fezzwook circled menacingly over their heads.  In less than two minutes, the only people standing in front of the gates were Fezzwook, Juan Solo, and Seawalker.  "I never knew you had it in you," Juan marveled, as Seawalker cut the lock with his lightsaber, and they entered the castle.

At that moment, Count Vader was locking Leiacup in a cell.  "You don't stand a chance, you know," Leiacup was telling him hotly.  "My farm boy will come for me."

"Fat chance," the Count scorned.  "Unless he can find someone to lend him a hand."  He let out a wheezing laugh at his own pun.  "Now you just hold tight; I'll be back in a while."  Then he turned to leave, signaling his four men-at-arms to accompany him.

Just then, Fezzwook, Juan, and Seawalker charged into the room.  Instantly, the Count ordered, "Kill them!"  The guards reached for their blasters, but before any of them could touch their weapons, a black, smoking hole appeared in each of their chests.  Solo had shot them all.  He then took a step toward the Count.  His expression was one of complete determination as he said, "Hello, my name is Juan Solo.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die."

"You," the Count whispered.  "I remember you.  I thought I had finally killed you when I sank your ship in the Hoth Sea."

From where she watched in her cell, Leiacup let out a startled gasp.  Juan turned to her, and in that moment of distraction, Count Vader reached for his lightsaber hurled the ignited weapon at Solo's throat.

Or such was his intention.  But his hand had scarcely closed over his saber when a flash of light burned into his chest.  The Count managed a look of surprise before he collapsed onto the floor, dead.  Standing over him, Solo slowly lowered his blaster.  "So long, you bastard," he said quietly.

For some time, no one spoke.  Then Leiacup hesitantly asked, "Indi?  Is it really you?"

Juan moved over to her cell door, clasping her hands through the bars.  "Yes, my Leiacup.  Only my name isn't 'Indi.' That was an alias.  My real name is Juan Solo, and now you know my story and why I had to leave you when I did, because I was looking for the Count."

"But I thought you were dead," she said.

Juan only smiled.  "Death cannot stop true love.  All it can do is delay it for awhile."

"Now we'll never be apart," Leiacup sighed.

Just as they were about to get really mushy, Seawalker stepped up.  "This is all very touching," he told them, "but I think we'd better hurry up and get the hell out of here."  Using his lightsaber, he cut through the lock, letting Leiacup out, and they all ran off down the stairs.

They decided that they could more easily escape attention if they didn't go through the castle itself but escaped via the castle walls.  The Death Tower was situated on a wall that ran right along the cliffs above the sea.  They couldn't jump there, or they would be dashed to pieces on the rocks below.  Crouched low so that they couldn't be seen from the ground, they race along the parapet.  Suddenly a figure emerged from the guard house to block their path.  It was the Prince, a blaster in each hand, pointed straight at them.  "Drop your weapons," he ordered.  Juan and Seawalker started to glance at each other, figuring to charge the Prince anyway, but he was on to them.  "You don't stand a chance," he told them.  Reluctantly, they obeyed.  "Suckers," Palpadink said.  He was about to fire on them when Leiacup cried out, "Oh, Palpadink, you're just in time!"

The Prince blinked in momentary confusion.  "What?"

"These nasty people were kidnapping me again, but you foiled them, you brave, handsome thing!"  And she rushed eagerly toward him.

He was just catching on that she might be bluffing, but by that time it was too late.  Leiacup leaped at him, hitting him square in the chest and sending him over the edge of the wall, where he knocked his brains out on the rocks before being swept away into the sea.

For several seconds, the others gazed at her in shock.  But when they realized what she had done, they ran to hug her.  "You saved all our necks!" they exclaimed.

"Well," she remarked archly, "it's not the first time, nor will it be the last, I'm sure.  We'd better get moving, before the castle guards catch on."

Heeding this wise advice, they continued along the wall until they found a safe escape route.  Once away from the castle, they fled to the Guilderian rebels, and soon after they returned with an army to take over the Empire and erect in its place a  Republic.  Then Leiacup was elected President, with Juan Solo, whom she married, as her Vice President, and Fezzwook and Seawalker were in her Cabinet.  Her first act was to legalize all miracle men.  And they lived happily ever after.

~~~

_"Yay!" Leia cheered.  "I knew Leiacup would save the day!"_

_"And when are you ever wrong, my dear?" asked her father sagely.  The entire day was spent, and it was now time for Leia to go to bed.  Besides, the King's voice was worn out.  He lovingly tucked her in, and turning out the lights, left the room._

_The Head Nursemaid met him outside.  "That was wonderful, Your Highness," she gushed.  "Truly inspired.  She didn't scratch all day."_

_"She didn't, did she?" Bail said, pleased with himself._

_"How you'll ever top that story tomorrow, I truly don't know."_

_Bail did a double take.  "I beg your pardon?"_

_"Well, Your Highness, you are the only one who can successfully distract Her Little Highness, and she should have the pox for at least another week.  You can't abandon her now, can you?"_

_"But -- but I have affairs of state to conduct," he stammered._

_"You talk of affairs of state, when your only daughter's complexion is at stake?"  The Head Nursemaid was scandalized.  "Your Highness, how can you be so cruel?"_

_And the King, at least for that night, did not live so happily ever after._

********

Explanations of Obscure References:

Footnote 1:  How many roads must a man walk down?  Forty-two.  -- from "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy."

Footnote 2:  Sorry, I couldn't help it.  This is an old joke about what the TIE in TIE fighter stands for.


End file.
